I am in a situation that makes me ask a lot of questions. But what I have found is that when we focus too much on any one thing, we can easily forget to focus on the One thing we should be focusing on. Before we know it, God becomes dimmed into the background as we ask him for more and more guidance, while forgetting to seek just him. And when we forget to seek just him, we find ourselves running the same circles with nothing but ourselves as fuel; not to mention the fact that the situation becomes bigger in our heads and hearts, almost as if it itself were God.

But I have brought back my focus on admiring and meditating on God himself. And through that, it seems the rest is following.

While my focus has been on what to do, I realize now that there is something beneath it that God is more concerned about. He is concerned about the motivation, the reason that causes me to choose a course of action. I have noticed lately, that many of my decisions even if they have ended up being good for me, have come from fear; simple, enslaving fear. Sometimes I thought what I decided was for God, when in reality it was for my own protection, my own sense of control and safety; or for other people and their opinions. I have been ruled by my fears in many ways. And I want to change. I notice that if I set myself to either course of action and cling to that in this situation, i do it because I am looking for control. I do it because I am depending on myself. I feel that inside.

My worry and hardship in taking new experiences day by day, is simply a symptom of thinking every detail is on my shoulders, I have to be perfect at it, and God is looking to me. These are incorrect thoughts. And they have tired me. Finally I see what I need to do and finally i want to do it.

I had one moment a few days ago when I was spending time with God and I felt this great peace. I thought of my situation and I was not afraid. I thought of the what ifs and possible future and I was not afraid. It seemed as if nothing was a big deal compared to me and God; that that was really all that mattered. It wasn't even about doing something or not doing something, it was about not worrying or thinking about it; not being afraid but just being. I naturally felt like I could be here right now...just take things as they come. I felt like the real me. I think that is the prelude of what is possible for me. And what God is doing in this season of my journey.

Sometimes we focus on the most obvious thing like a course of action, when God is getting at something deeper. I knew he was I just couldn't get my finger on it before. I am thankful to have been given a glimpse. And I'll let him do the rest.

Here in FL

Well, it's been a little over a week since I've been in this warm, calm area and I am glad to say that it feels really good. There are a few people my age here who tend to complain about this quiet town. But for someone who has spent almost 6 years in a big city, this is a wonderful change of pace. I am loving the restful nature here, the warm weather, the sunny days, and my mother's collection of two cats and a dog. Yea, it feels good being here.

Next Sunday will be the first time I meet the youth (and other members) at Lakewood Park United Methodist Church. They are having a get to know you pizza party for me. I am so dang curious about them. :)

I am still dealing with all the things I have written about earlier - not thinking too much, remembering how big God is, letting go and living in the present. These are ingrained habits that will only slowly lessen inside of me. But I continue to come back to them and be comforted by them, and I think that is what counts.

I remember today that God is the one who does the work in me...without me helping him. Many of us even subconsciously believe that he needs or wants our help. Maybe if we try harder. That one comes back to me a lot. Aren't I supposed to be making sure this is right? Or that I am not supposed to do something else? Or, as I had brought up earlier, aren't I supposed to work to develop into the person I know I can be? Boy, that one is hard for me. I have this image and feeling of strong peace inside that points to the woman I was created to be. But I do not always feel the strength to be that or maintain that. And i keep thinking I can't let myself be weak. The thing with that is, how can I ever know how much i need God if I am not weak? How can I ever know how it is God's strength that can provide more richly for me? And most of all, how can I ever know the gracious, powerful love of my best friend if I never feel like I can just be?

Lately I have been letting myself just be, and it makes me feel good and really uncomfortable or scared at the same time. But God is too big for me to be scared; too soveriegn for me to think I can escape him (and his plans) as I welcome him. I remind myself that he has got me more than covered. And he wants my rest.

What it comes down to, is that for once I don't want to live out of fear or make any decision out of fear, anymore. And for once, I want to watch him do it all. God help me! :)

Moving

Phew. I am now sitting on the last piece of furniture I have in my living room. This beige couch will be hard to say goodbye to. But oddly enough, I haven't felt nearly as attached to the furniture here that I had always felt was "mine" and part of "my home," as I thought I would be. Any minute I will receive a call from a woman who is coming to dissasemble and take away my bedroom furniture...that is a little sad to me. All the same, I am having a surprising reaction to this empty place. As I look around and see the bare walls and the bed with no sheets, I'm noticing that this is just a normal apartment.

Memories are returning of packing up my dorm rooms in college and taking down all sense of "home" with every picture and object you pack up. Slowly, bit by bit, the place looks more like a lifeless space than anything else. I didn't expect to feel that leaving somewhere I had lived so long, and I don't to the same extent - I will still feel like I am leaving a home. It just doesn't feel like I am walking away from a real home anymore.

Many times throughout these five years, my mother would visit and help me try to make the apartment better for me - all attempts to make my life in Atlanta more peaceful, more content. We bought soothing lavender candles, a new comforter, and rearranged the furniture "for a new start"...again. Now as I see that things are just things, and an apartment is just an apartment no matter how pretty you make it, I see why it was never enough.

Tonight we are returning to an amazing suite at the Hyatt in Buckhead (and how strange to stay at a hotel here!) I get to benefit from my mother's awful experience at a Hyatt in D.C., since we are now being treated like royalty as a result of her complaint. Two free nights in a room big enough to contain a living and dining room, bedroom and two large bathrooms...nice. Oh, and a fridge stacked with great beverages. A wonderful reward for working so hard the past few days.

(Later)...I just watched a group of strangers desecrate my lovely bedroom set one wooden piece at a time. Ugh. How sad. And it's been with me through so much! Alright, it's only stuff right? :)
Btw, did I tell you how packing and packing, trying to throw out and give away, barely getting down the stairs with heavy things and attempting to fit everything in my tiny car, is the biggest pain in the rear?

oh my gosh, i'm finally sad and crying as i consider leaving Atlanta, my big neighborhood.

Goodbye Dinners

So maybe I should move more often because I got a few great goodbye dinners!

The first one was with a group of girls that I have been in a small group with for the past four years. Even when our weekly meetings ended we still stayed apart of each other's lives, having girl get togethers for dinner and wine. They were some of my first friends in the city!

We went to Eclipse Di Luna, a cool tapas place in Dunwoody.

And this is a picture of my other close friends in Atlanta. They took me to dinner at Seasons 52 on Sunday the 15th. It was so wonderful to have people that I love together, especially since I always hang out with them individually. And they were great sports to spend time with people they hardly knew!

It was touching to look around and know that i had been brought a large family; to hear their sweet words about our friendship; and to watch them getting to know each other.

But it was so hard to say goodbye to all these friends...

though i still hasn't hit home that I won't be able to call them to hang out.

All I know is it was a great couple nights. But i can only take so much of them!

* Alright...i can't figure out what happened with my blog...but my past entry from today IS further down - you just have to scroll far!

My Last Night Alone

I literally cannot believe it...this is the last night alone in my apartment. Holy crap. Part of me wants to start jumping around and dancing, and the other part of me simply wants to cry. You see, this means more to me than what it seems. It means the end of a very long fight.

When i think of these years in Atlanta and what the time has been to me, one theme stands out - loneliness. Even with all the wonderful, and I mean truly wonderful friends I have been blessed with, I have spent many days alone and without work, only to live an unfriendly home. Particularly before I was given the people I had longed for, I began my first few years in this unfamiliar city with the most intense loneliness and pain i had ever experienced. To this day no matter how many times I have shared the years of myseterious sickness, empty depression and nagging anxiety with those around me, there is no one who will grasp the burden of a time i felt I did not want to live. As much as I love to have people understand things in my life, this one will remain between me and God. Even I don't comprehend what happened inside of me for bad and for good, in that wilderness. And that's okay. All I can know is that something has been torn me down and replaced in the deepest part of me during a time when God was all I saw and all I could see.

So back to my original statement...this is my last night here alone. My mom flies in to help me move tomorrow, and from then on I am in FL. This is my last night of this long season in Atlanta. I consider now that I am at a place I had always hoped for and dared to imagine - something new, something different; a change from the quiet monotony. Not to say that I have not had the most intimate, special moments between just me and my Father - times that have made me feel in my heart they are the only things that truly matter. It is a feeling I can attain easily only because of the past, and one I did not have prior to it. But I also understand now that it is okay to feel lonely; to long for the company of others and to ache for a change.

I always wondered what I would feel at the end of this. I walked around my room singing random notes to,"This is my last day here alone!" And then I went into my bathroom and suddenly felt like I could cry. The end. Hm. Now that I know its ending I can take it all in. As much as this apartment holds so many hard memories, it has been my own for almost 6 years. I will miss seeing the pool when I've reached the top of the stairs (though i won't miss the stairs:), sitting in my favorite couch watching tv, and especially sitting in front of that one window in my room - the place I have spent every morning in silence and prayer. But I will not miss so much time alone. And what I will miss about it, the carved out time of silence and rest that I can find there, well, I hope to take that with me.

Oddly enough, it doesn't feel strange or shocking to know that the change I never felt was real, is right here. It just feels normal and right. Although I still am reeling from the uncomfortable fact that this is not what I had planned or would have thought was right for me. But my gosh, for someone who felt like my only mission in life was to constantly persevere, this time of relief from an old fight just feels good. Yay for just feeling good. :)

Security in the Stillness

I have much on my mind as there are only a few days left here. Much on my mind from the years I've been here, and much on my mind about returning to FL. The potential for worry, or even simply restless thinking, is continuous. But once again, I am attempting to put it all in line with this new season. And to put it all in its place.

Each morning I try to start off in complete silence and mental rest for at least a few minutes. I used to be awful at things like this, as you could imagine from someone whose mind is going non stop. And someone who thought that having time with God meant doing something - talking to him or reading about him, etc. But after many years of an empty schedule and silence that I could not avoid, I have become better at it. No more than that...the depth of pain I had experienced the first few years drove me to a depth with God I had never known. It quiets me to be more silent, which is then, where I get to meet with him. In any case, I have found that sitting in the quiet - just letting myself breathe and consider the peace around me, always has a profound and tender impact on my day. While we can think it is doing nothing, we are then to remember we are not put here to just "do."

But even this morning as i tried to sit still I had all my usual thoughts coming in, staying a while, going out and remaining. I had pictures and images and what ifs and what i needed to get done this week. I even considered the fact that i wanted to write another entry! ... Then I breathed. I reminded myself that in the big picture, none of this stuff really matters. None of it is so big that it is going to swallow me up. Sometimes overthinking and especially worry can make things feel enormous to us. When in reality they are small, do not have the power to hurt us, and are not worth the energy.

I have cared too much what others think. And I am soaking in the fact that God is the only one who has authority over me and an opinion that matters. I have made things bigger in my mind by letting the dwelling continue, when the only thing that matters is finding my security in the stillness.

An Easier Life

I had never realized how I can make everything more difficult that it really is. I have now committed myself to "just being." But this mentality flies in the face of what I am used to, and even what other Christians can unknowingly encourage. It is hard to stop the racing thoughts I am used to having, and to absorb the fact that they really don't matter even though they feel like they do. And it is hard to not let the potential opinions of others feel more heavy, and carry more weight, than my own, or even that of the quiet voice of God. But it feels wonderful to know that I am meant to have something lighter.

I am considering the truth that the most important thing, the only thing that really matters, is my relationship with God. That's it. Even, and dare I say it, my obedience is not as important as my closeness to him. Now of course obedience comes as a result; or should come as a result. But sometimes I think we can unknowingly make it the focus. And before we know it, we are worshipping (maybe obsessing over) doing the right thing all the time, making a big deal out of everything, than we are worshipping God himself. Our focus has changed. And the scary thing is we think it is still for him and about him; when it is more about us.

Sometimes it is harder for people to focus on the relationship rather than on the rules, because it makes them feel less in control. It seems easier to have a cookie cutter recipe to follow. But that does not constitute a relationship. And while it can be scarier or harder to not live in a black and white fashion, it can also be so much better; more exciting and even more peaceful. The great thing is that we don't have to do it perfectly, so we need not be afraid. The burden to live perfectly has been lifted off our shoulders. Phew.

I now tell myself that as long as I stay close to him and keep meditating on him, going to him, he will provide any kind of new thought or new strength that I need; even if I have to wait for it. If the former is not the focus, we we inevitably lose our desire and our energy, and we become like the rest of the world in its effort to prove and to do. I am too tired of all that. I want to just be, with him. And if we really know him, we will trust that this is enough.

To just be? How nice. Thank God he wants an easier life for me, and keeps gently reminding me of that fact.

It All Hits Home (and a new job?)

It hit home to me a few days ago. As I walked away from this new church I had just discovered, I realized I really was going to leave Atlanta and start a new season of my life in Vero. Suddenly, Atlanta didn't seem as bad to me. I remembered everything I love about the city. I thought of the friends I could easily call to hang out, friends who had now become like family to me. And I even considered the usual spots I would go to eat (go figure I think about food, right?). I felt like I was getting ready to leave my home. And what about this new home? It comforted me that I did not have to be there permanently, but what about my time there...would I be happy? Even with all that I was missing? It seems I would be missing so much. That was the first night I shed a few tears at the thought of moving.

But the job prospect, oh let me fill you in on the job prospect...this church has been in a big search for a youth pastor/director to develop their struggling and meager youth group. They want someone to build up the program, create a structure and curriculum, lead the time and mentor the kids; basically do it all. Phew! It sounds like a lot to handle especially for someone new at youth groups. But it sounds so cool. I love working with teens, I love creating new parts to a ministry, and I love that I could decide it all. And let's not overlook the exciting fact that I will finally be getting paid for ministry work! Oh, has the day come? :) Not to say I am not truly intimdated by the whole thing, or have my own concerns...I do. But maybe that is what excites me about it too. Of course, now as I wrap up I must say that hopefully I haven't written all this before finding out I don't actually have the job. I guess my hopes are pretty high because they told me enthusiastically that I was their top pick, and they felt like God had brought me to them. Then the fact they want me to meet the kids when I return makes it look good. At the same time, if for some reason it doesn't happen I truly feel okay with that too. Whatever is best for this time in my life, and only God knows that, I am sure will end up happening.

In any case, I left feeling speechless. I am so accustomed to hearing people tell me they don't need anyone, or being vague in general with me, that I didn't know what to think about this church that seemed to want me there so badly. I was quiet as I thought about committing to a serious job, in Vero of all places. And I was silent as I considered the fact that my life really was going to change...something wonderful, something exciting...yet something scary and uncomfortable. Lord, is this really what you want for me? This is not what I had planned. And my future? Okay Jade, God has got you; just go with it. One step at a time.

Keeping Our Hearts Safe

Today I was reading Journey of Desire by John Eldredge as I waited in the women's counseling center office for my interview (more on that later). Eldredge talks about the temptation to guard ourselves from hope or from letting others in, out of fear for what can come. This time has shown me how easily afraid I can become in this way, always worrying about being a certain way today, so I can keep myself safe in the future. I have become more aware of forming attachments and what kind of pain it could later cause. But I have not yet closed my heart off. I just notice my consideration of it, even in part. Eldredge makes the point however, that joy and sadness are always intermingled. Anything that we love we will inevitably have to say goodbye to. And even while loving it, it will never be fully enough. If we close ourselves off to sadness we will also close ourselves off to joy. And down the road our hearts can lose their life all together. That seems like an empty, bland existence. Yet we can still wonder if that is better than possibly having pain; especially when we have been through loss already. But how can I enjoy the present if I am always mentally in the (even projected) future?

C.S. Lewis says that a lawless, passionate love is more in line with God than having our heart safely locked away until it loses its life altogether. I thought that point was interesting.

There is really no easy remedy to the fact that there will be pain in our lives when we love and care for others. But I got to take it a step at a time, appreciate things for every moment I have them, and not be afraid. I have got to remember that the beauty, the meaning, the learning and joy that can come when I continue to let people in and share myself with them, that's what makes life worthwhile. We were made for this. And somehow it has to still be worth it.
Maybe if we saw it all a little differently...

..........................

So about the job. Ugh. Yea, it's pretty much a "no go." The place is a nonprofit and has very little money. They told me they can't afford to pay me and I would have to raise support. So, I drove everywhere today looking for something. At least when I do that here I only have to drive about 5 minutes in between stops. I have a meeting with the Boys and Girls Club for a teen director position tomorrow, and then with a church for a position to develop their youth group. We shall see. I will let you know when something looks works. Lord hasten the day. Ha.

A Day on the River

Yesterday I had the pleasure of being taken out on a boat and learning how to fish. It was a windy day which made for a chilly trip overall, but it was beautiful being out on the large lake and being immersed in a different side of Vero. With great enthusiasm and pride, I caught my first two fish - one Sheepshead one Catfish. I never expected to enjoy fishing since I can't stand the thought of an animal being hurt, but there is something fun about the challenge; and i'm fine with it as long as I can throw the suffering creature back in before it dies. I also got to see two dolphins swimming near us, and I got to feed live fish to pelicans (something I also didn't think I would do, but I figure I need to loosen up, right?)

I have been thinking about the fact that sometimes we an tell immediately how someone is being used in our lives. Other times we can't tell at all until years down the road. Then there are times when we see some of it clearly today, but know we will still see more later. These are the times we can only get so much where we are at the moment, and hidsight then completes the picture. But I love looking for the goodness of what is currently happening; to know that that's what counts, and to anticipate more neat things. It becomes clearer one step at a time.

For many years of my life I have been leaning on and trying to manufacture my own strength. Considering how tired I often am emotionally, how worn down and fatigued, it shows me this fact. I now love meditating on the verse: "My power is made perfect in weakness...therefore I will boast the more gladly about my weakness so that Christ's power may rest on me." Now I want to even wait for his power, rather than try and try and try, while showing God I choose to focus on "me." I realize what I sometimes thought I was doing to please God, actually came from a place of fear; a nagging need to control and manage life for myself. Instead, maybe it is simply our steadfast looking to him, our daring to trust him and our surrendering, that matter much more than our dogged efforts and attempts at control.

It is just the beginning of learning how to let myself be, focusing only on him and not within (in attempts to figure things out). It is only the start of seeing my "pleasing" for what it often was (for myself or for other people even) and being easier on myself as God is. But I love that it is all at least beginning.

A Step at a Time

Do you ever look back and wonder what happened? There is a situation in my life that is taking time to be completley healed. Considering the details it is understandable to me. But I guess I had still hoped it would look different in the end. Of course, i don't feel this is the end. And I remind myself of a deep yet quiet knowing of more. In any case, only time and God...
Nonethless, i have learned and continue to learn a great deal that will go with me, and I believe be of true value to others as well. Even the allowance of all of this, it too can make sense in some small way, already. I will still believe that what is Good will totally win out. And I will see more good in all that happened, than I can at this point. I really believe this.

On another note, I am recognizing the limited nature of our ability to plan and be in control. Specifically I am talking about my upcoming move, and my previous understanding of how I thought my life would run. I guess I had it all figured out. I would continue to hang in there in Atlanta until things changed - I got the job, I met the person, etc. Logically that made sense. But after a while what made sense didn't feel good. And after much waiting, it only felt worse. Now I feel the kindess of God to finally let me do what just feels better. Yet I am still left with the fact that this is not how i had planned things and I can't make sense out of it. Where will i go from here? Don't I need to plan how this fits into the big picture? The problem with that, is I can't. After many attempts to figure it out, the truth is I have no clue how this fits into everything I know in my gut, that I will do and be a part of. And so I am forced to take it a step at a time. Hm. A step at a time. Something so easy, yet something we make so difficult and complicated. In some way, while I can't figure it out and be in control, while this frightens me and sends me spinning, it also calms me deeply; in a way i am not used to. It is about giving myself permission to have an easier existence and know Someone else will do the rest for me.

From now I am working hard at surrendering in new ways. Oh the irony of working hard to surrender.

A New Road

I never thought I would be doing this. I mean, the thought had crossed my mind hundreds of times in the last several years to move back to Florida, but I never serioulsy considered it. Even with all the pain and hardship I have been through in Atlanta, I always felt like I needed to stay. I have been, after all, convinced that my suffering has been growing me in ways I needed; ways i couldn't even see. I have known that my relationship with God was becoming my very heart. And I have clung to knowing that was his purpose. Yet now I find myself in a new place. A place where the door is opened to what feels good; or at least better. A place where it looks like things are meant to change. Could it be? After countless days of quiet drudgery could there be something else, something different, that is finally meant to begin? I always knew I was in a season. But when a season continues so long you have trouble remebering how it felt to be in any other, it feels like it is not a season, it is your life. Today, getting a glimpse of sunlit Florida, I am reminded that seasons change. And perhaps I am actually on the brink of a new one.

Not to say that I am all sighs and smiles. Plenty of worries have pounded me, as can often happen, regarding a possible home in a place I used to long to leave. Can I handle all that could be? Can I.... My questions and concerns often begin this way, I have noticed. "I". Have I forgotten to consider that there is Someone bigger than me over my life? Have I forgotten it is not up to me to have the strength...the power...the peace. My amount of worry shows that clearly I have. Clearly I do. But more and more I come back to the understanding that God is real. His presence in me and my life, indellible and deep. And if strangely enough he doesn't want me to worry, if he is confident and unafraid... and if, when looking to him I feel his peace, then my goodness, why choose anything else for myself?