Keeping Our Hearts Safe

Today I was reading Journey of Desire by John Eldredge as I waited in the women's counseling center office for my interview (more on that later). Eldredge talks about the temptation to guard ourselves from hope or from letting others in, out of fear for what can come. This time has shown me how easily afraid I can become in this way, always worrying about being a certain way today, so I can keep myself safe in the future. I have become more aware of forming attachments and what kind of pain it could later cause. But I have not yet closed my heart off. I just notice my consideration of it, even in part. Eldredge makes the point however, that joy and sadness are always intermingled. Anything that we love we will inevitably have to say goodbye to. And even while loving it, it will never be fully enough. If we close ourselves off to sadness we will also close ourselves off to joy. And down the road our hearts can lose their life all together. That seems like an empty, bland existence. Yet we can still wonder if that is better than possibly having pain; especially when we have been through loss already. But how can I enjoy the present if I am always mentally in the (even projected) future?

C.S. Lewis says that a lawless, passionate love is more in line with God than having our heart safely locked away until it loses its life altogether. I thought that point was interesting.

There is really no easy remedy to the fact that there will be pain in our lives when we love and care for others. But I got to take it a step at a time, appreciate things for every moment I have them, and not be afraid. I have got to remember that the beauty, the meaning, the learning and joy that can come when I continue to let people in and share myself with them, that's what makes life worthwhile. We were made for this. And somehow it has to still be worth it.
Maybe if we saw it all a little differently...

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So about the job. Ugh. Yea, it's pretty much a "no go." The place is a nonprofit and has very little money. They told me they can't afford to pay me and I would have to raise support. So, I drove everywhere today looking for something. At least when I do that here I only have to drive about 5 minutes in between stops. I have a meeting with the Boys and Girls Club for a teen director position tomorrow, and then with a church for a position to develop their youth group. We shall see. I will let you know when something looks works. Lord hasten the day. Ha.